Winnie the Pooh Meets Gundam Wing
by HB and Radish-Girl
Summary: All your favorite adolescent pilots (plus some bonus extras) present their rendition of 'Winnie the Pooh' for your entertainment. However, when unrequieted love (not to mention raging hormones) enter the equation, the audience might get more than expected


Radish-Girl: ((...And this is what happens when two hormonal fangirls converse...)) HB: ((Yeah. If it takes hormones to do this, we'd better hope, for the sake of our (probably short-lived) writing careers, that we never get laid.))  
  
The Disclaimers: We own this fic.. I think... And some pocket lint, right? *checks their pockets* We don't own anything else. Well, I guess you could sue us for that lint if you really think that we're infringing your copyright.. And it's written in script form, not chatroom! C'mon, we know the rules.  
  
Starring:  
Winnie the Pooh played by Heero Yuy (character 'ficked' by Radish-Girl)  
  
Tigger played by Duo Maxwell ('ficked' by HB)  
Eeyore played by Trowa Barton (HB)  
Piglet played by Quatre Rebarba Winner (Radish-Girl)  
Rabbit played by Chang WuFei (Radish-Girl)  
Owl played by Treize (HB)  
Roo played by Dorothy Catalonia (HB)  
Kanga played by a heinous.. I mean, Relena Darlian-Peacecraft. (Radish-  
Girl)  
  
Cameos:  
  
Eiri and Suuichi (Radish-Girl)  
Ryo and Dee (HB)  
Kotori, Kamui and Fuuma (HB)  
  
The Fic: A Very Painful Head-On Winnie-The-Pooh/Gundam Wing Collision  
  
Wufei: *scans script* What the Hell is this! Injustice! I refuse to perform with...*looks at head* These damn bunny ears!  
  
Duo: Check it out! I have a tail!  
  
Heero: Do I get a gun?  
  
Relena: No, sweetie! And put on a smile! This performance is my life!  
  
Quatre: *looks at the floor and sees a grey piece of cloth lying there* Trowa, you dropped your, er....tail. *blush*  
  
Trowa: *obliviously*Oh. Thanks.*picks it up*  
  
Heero: I will kill you, Relena.  
  
Treize:*stares at the feathers strapped to his arms*  
  
Relena: Trieze? Oh, you look darling in that outfit!  
  
Dorothy: Fufufufuu! With my improved (but definitely not new) cuteness, I shall have a better chance of defeating all!... And ruling the world. You know, things like that.  
  
Wufei: *glares at Trieze* Why the Hell am I stuck with rabbit ears! INJUSTICE! DAMN IT!  
  
Relena: No! Wufei! You aren't supposed to curse... *shakes head*  
  
Wufei: Oh, fuck you, Darlian!  
  
Treize: *leer* You must be unfamiliar with some references to rabbits that I could mention, WuFei...  
  
Relena: *gasps* Heero, save me!  
  
Heero: Save yourself.  
  
Duo: *thinking* Yes! Score!  
  
Trowa: *notices Duo doing some sort of victory dance* ...I'm not going to ask.  
  
Wufei: WHAT, Treize?! Right now! Nataku!  
  
Treize: What are you shouting about, WuFei  
  
Wufei: Trieze! I will have my revenge! ...but not including swords... I will regain justice you damn bird!  
  
Treize: No swords? *ponders the many slang definitions of 'sword'  
  
Dorothy: Fufufuf...I don't have opposable thumbs. *her hands and arms are covered in the costume's long, closed sleeves*  
  
Quatre: *mumbles* Trowa... *blushes* *thinking* He even looks good in a donkey costume.!  
  
Dorothy: HOW am I supposed to conquer the world without OPPOSABLE THUMBS?!  
  
Relena: Please, people! Pay attention! As your queen, I beg you! Please, pay attention.  
  
Trowa: *stares blankly at her*  
  
Duo: *blows a bubble with his gum, fiddles with his braid*  
  
Heero: *looks around* Now where did she put my pistol? *looks around*  
  
Dorothy: *rants under her breath about primates and evolution*  
  
Treize:*paying polite attention*  
  
Relena: Everyone! We will practice! we're putting on a show today! Read your scripts  
  
Duo: *raises his hand*  
  
Relena: It's for America's youth.. for sweet innocent kids... Ohh... I'm so happy... We cannot corrupt them! **blinks and then looks at Duo* Yes?  
  
Heero: *searching around curtains* Where did she put it...  
  
Duo: I forgot my script...oh, somewhere near Morocco. Can I go and get it? *thinking* Please, let her fall for it...I am so outta here....  
  
The Motormouth: *randomly, from audience* "Hello Bobby my old friend, It's good to see you once again, How's your mother, how's your aunt? How's your father's skin-diving suit? (one of the lines I'm not real sure about...) I've got something you should see, back at my place, come with me... I've got some brand new furnishings, plus 99 dead babboons!"  
  
Relena: Don't worry! I come prepared! *holds out five copies of script * Here, Duo!  
  
Duo: Oh, _thanks_.  
  
The Motormouth: *undaunted by the odd looks that she is receiving, continuing* "99 dead babboons, Sitting in my living room! Not too functional, it seems But quite a conversation piece! This one's Jake, that one's Dinah There's Big Ned in my recliner No, it's not a Lazy-Boy, can't you see it's a dead baboon? Dead Babboons! Everybody! Dead babboons!"  
  
Heero: Relena.. where did you put my pistol?  
  
Relena: No guns at this performance, love!  
  
Dorothy: *has not figured out that she is wearing kangaroo gloves* *waves an arm at Relena* Where did you put my thumbs?!  
  
The Motormouth: "How they got here, I'm not sure Woke up one day, there they were; Luckily I've got a lease, allowing pets if they're deceased! I'm just thankful they're not apes, 'Cause apes would clash, with the drapes. No more napkins at my parties: Wipe your hands, on a dead baboon! Dead babboons, Everybody! Dead babboons! 99 Dead babboons!"  
  
Relena: This is the first one where they introduce all the characters-it's about making friends! So we have to pretend you don't know each other  
  
Duo: *loudly* I don't know her!  
  
The Motormouth: *now being sushed and pelted with things but still belting out* "Dead babboons are lots of fun, Playing water balloons, I've always won! You can keep your dead giraffes and swine, I'll take dead babboons every time! There's just one problem I have found, It's finding Purina dead-baboon chow. But what a happy snorkeling device (another line I'm not real sure about, but it's something like that)." *is hit in the head by a babboon carcass thrown by an audience member, and knocked out*  
  
Wufei: *walks over to Dorothy* Idiocy! *puts off gloves and then puts them back on* there? You see?  
  
Dorothy:* blinks* *glares at WuFei* You! Where did you put my thumbs?! They were just here....  
  
Wufei: You idiot! You are wearing gloves! Injustice! Why were idiots like you created!?  
  
Heero: I want my pistol... *grumbles and pulls out kitchen knife* *starts to contemplate suicide*  
  
Duo: Heero, don't!  
  
Heero: *looks at Duo* You're right... *looks back at Relena* First, she dies...  
  
Duo: That's better!  
  
Trowa: Idiots, WuFei? They were created to produce carbon dioxide, which, in turn, keep the oxygen producing trees and, thusly, all life on Earth, alive.  
  
Quatre: *blush* Trowa.. you're so smart....  
  
Trowa: *slight smile, and was that a hint of a blush...?*(HB: Of course it was.) Thanks...  
  
Relena: Heero! I can't die! You can't kill me! I'm the Queen! Injustice!  
  
Wufei: That's my line, goddamnit! Relena: The curtain is going up! Everyone, positions!  
  
Duo: *leers at Heero*  
  
Treize:*leers at WuFei*  
  
Both, in unison: I can think of a couple....(positions)  
  
Heero: After the show, Duo... *walks onto stage and holds out script as he sees all these kids staring at him* *monotonously*I'm so lonely. I need friends...*mumbles* Please... we're all going to die in the end...  
  
Quatre: Trowa... should you help me to find my position? *blushes*  
  
Trowa: *eyes widen**points frantically in a random direction*  
  
The Naive One:*from audience* Oh my God! This is the perfect time! Why does Quatre wear goggles? *pause* Because of Trowa's hair! *giggles uproariously*  
  
Quatre: *blush deepens*  
  
Trowa:*eyes go wider**nose starts bleeding* *thinking* Is that really why he wears them?!  
  
Quatre: *thinking**Maybe it's not such a bad idea...*  
  
Duo: *completely oblivious* *suggestively drawled* I'll be your _friend_, Pooh.  
  
Heero: *looks around* Kids. Get real lives. If you're actually expecting to see a show like what Relena planned... Do us all a favor and kill yourselves.  
  
Duo: Right. The sooner we get you kids out of the way, the sooner we get to, um, take a coffee break. *leer*  
  
Heero: *slight blush*  
  
Relena: Oh no! The poor children! And poor Heero!  
  
Dorothy: *zombie-walk* Thummmmmbs...I neeed your THUMBS, children! Fufufufufuuuuu!  
  
Trowa: *trying to stop his nosebleed with a tissue**thinking* Goggles...goggles...goggles...No! Stop it!  
  
Quatre: *hands Trowa a tissue and blushes harder* Um... Here are more...  
  
Trowa: Thanks... *thinking* Is he always that cute, or only when he blushes? Hmm... *nosebleed gradually stops*  
  
Wufei: *realizes the kids see him in a yellow bunny costume* No! INJUSTICE!!! SOMEONE OF MY CALIBER SHOULD NOT GO THROUGH THIS TORMENT! *continues to rant*  
  
Relena: *desperately* Follow the script, people!  
  
Heero: *sees Relena and stares at her waist for a moment* *under breath*Damn her...  
  
Duo: *thinking* Wait.. Is he checking her out?!  
  
Relena: *coyly* You like my dress, Heero?  
  
Heero: *gets up and knocks her over and jumps on top of her*  
  
Relena:*shocked and elated* He chose me... Oh, Heero!  
  
Duo:*twitching*  
  
Heero: *Reaches for her purse and pulls out pink gun* What the Hell did you do?!*shoots her* Like Hell I choose you! *goes silent again*  
  
Heero: *gets up and stares at gun solemnly* She painted my pistol.  
  
Duo: Hopefully not the one I'm thinking of...  
  
Dorothy: Gun? Gun! GUN! Weapon! Gimmie!  
  
Quatre: Duo...*looks at Duo* *innocently* Don't you think he needs a hug?  
  
Duo: *mock-innocence* Why, yes, Piglet! I do believe that a hug would be a _very_ friendly thing to do! *throws his arms around Heero*  
  
Audience: Awwww!  
  
Heero: *eyes wide**blushes madly*  
  
HB and Radish Girl: *laughing and snickering madly*  
  
The Shoujo-y One: *doesn't get it* What's so funny... I think it wasn't very nice for Heero to kill Relena though...  
  
The Bloodthirsty One: Silence, Shoujo-y One! It gives a chance for more blood spillage! Besides, Relena's soo irritating...  
  
The Naive One: *still giggling*I was soooooo funny!  
  
The Prep: *bitterly* That girl deserved to die. Did you _see_ her dress?!  
  
Radish Girl: *blinks at them and continues to laugh*  
  
Duo: *tries to grope Heero through the Pooh suit**thinks* Damn.  
  
Heero: *looks at Duo* *whispers with a continual blush* What are you... doing?  
  
Duo: *breathily, in Heero's ear* You get three guesses...and the first two don't count.  
  
Radish-Girl: *thinks about what's missing* This needs to be more lemony!  
  
HB: But then I'll have filthy, dirty dreams about Pooh charries for the very short remainder of my sane life! .... Works for me. Got a plan?  
  
Heero: *whispers back* I think its time for Pooh and Tigger to make an exit and I'll show Tigger that I'm not _just_ the perfect pilot.  
  
Duo: *whispers in his ear* Tigger would like to see that.  
  
Radish-Girl: Um... *pauses and thinks* I think Heero and Duo do! *snickers*  
  
Soon-To-Be-Dead Homophobe: Oh, God! The Gundam Wing characters! They are so gay!  
  
Radish-Girl and HB in unison: Yes they are!  
  
HB: *mumbles* And they're getting laid more often than you ever will....  
  
Heero: *gets up* I think um... Pooh and Tigger will go and look for some... honey... *whispers to Duo* and chocolate sauce, *starts to walk off*  
  
Duo: *follows him* Bye, kids! Remember always practice safe...friendship. Friendship!!  
  
Radish-Girl: They won't be back... *happily grins*  
  
The Brainiac: Safe friendship?! What kinds of idiot slogans are the PTA coming _up_ with nowadays?! This is what our tax dollars go towards?!*ranting*  
  
The Bloodthirsty, the Shoujo-y, the Naive Ones and the Prep: *stare obliviously at Radish-Girl and HB*  
  
HB: We still have... 4 to go, not counting Ms. Moron of the Month.  
  
Dorothy: *is pummeling WuFei with her gloved arms* Thuuuuuuumbs! Thuuuumbs!  
  
Radish-Girl: 13X5.. That'll be a little tough... *notices the still-ranting rabbit*  
  
Wufei: Curse it damn woman!  
  
HB: Only on one side of the equation. I don't think Treize gets laid enough. *nods sagely*  
  
The Naive One, the Prep and the Brainiac: *thinking* It must be some anime thing. Just pretend you didn't hear it.  
  
The Shoujo-y One: The only sad thing is since Relena died, there won't be any romance in Gundam Wing!  
  
HB: *stares at her*  
  
Radish-Girl: *laughs gasping for air*  
  
HB: *sarcastically* Why don't we send _you_ up there, Shoujo-y? Maybe you could cheer Heero up! He must be _so_ brokenhearted.....  
  
Trowa: *thinking* Wait, why are parts of my script written in green pen?  
  
HB: *fiddling with her green pen* *thinking* Just wait until he gets to the line about 'asses'....  
  
Quatre: *thinking while staring at Trowa* Yeah...he looks so cute in that donkey costume... I think he'd look even better without it, though...  
  
Trowa: *drops the script; shoots it in midair*  
  
HB: *yelled* Shit! *thinking* I worked forever on that...  
  
Everyone: *looks at her*  
  
HB: Um...Stubbed my...hair. Yeah.  
  
Quatre: Oh Trowa... you're costume's ripping in the back... I'll have to check out that ass... ass costume! *blushes*  
  
Trowa: Was that in your script, too?  
  
Quatre: *doesn't realize what Trowa means* I forgot the script...  
  
Radish-Girl: Salvation!  
  
HB: Proof!  
  
The Naive One: Goggles!  
  
The Shoujo-y One: What?! What do you mean by 'Salvation'?!  
  
Radish-Girl: Um... *picks up bag and pulls out lip-gloss never been used*I found it after all this time of searching...Riiiight....  
  
The Brainiac: _I_ could write a better play than this....*begins writing a play on The Naive One's arm*  
  
Radish-Girl: I think I'm okay with this one....*looks to the side*  
  
Trowa: *slowly, in disbelief* You...forgot...the script? You just...said that.....?  
  
Quatre: *looks sat Trowa and thinks for a second* Um... *blushes fiercely*  
  
Trowa: Did you mean it?  
  
Quatre: Um... *blushes harder* Um...Is this a rhetorical question?  
  
Trowa: Maybe. *puts his hands on Quatre's shoulders, leans down so that their noses touch* What if it was?  
  
Quatre: *blushes harder* Trowa...I've got a question... are you straight?  
  
Radish-Girl: Boy... is he SLOW!  
  
Trowa: *kisses Quatre tenderly*  
  
Quatre: *eyes widen and breaks kiss for a second* I'll take that as a no... *kisses him sweetly back*  
  
Radish-Girl: w00t! *rejoices*  
  
HB: *can't decide wether to swoon, drool, or cheer*  
  
Audience: *repulsed* Eew!  
  
Trowa: *not breaking the kiss* *pulls Quatre's hips up against his with one arm, points his gun rather distractedly a the audience with the other*  
  
The Naive One:*wide-eyed* I ...I get it.....I get that joke....  
  
The Brainiac: And WHAT does this have to do with friendship?! I seriously don't get this play.  
  
Radish-Girl: *anime fall over*  
  
The Prep: *thinking* Damn. And the tall one was pretty hot, too.  
  
HB:*taking pictures*  
  
Radish-Girl: Send me copies!  
  
The Shoujo-y One: *faints*  
  
Repulsed Fraction of Audience: *perfectly quiet*  
  
Radish-Girl: *snickers* Two more ta go...  
  
HB: But, how? Jeez, if the audience screamed that loud over the *wistful sigh* uber-cuteness of 3x4, 13x5 may start a riot....  
  
Trowa: *thinking* Whoa. And I supposedly passed _this_ up, in favor of my sister?!  
  
Eiri: *in audience* Wow, Shuuichi... You were right, this is an entertaining show...  
  
Shuuchi: I knew I'd pick the perfect place for our date!  
  
Dee: *in audience* *starts to lean over towards Ryo*  
  
Ryo: *without looking at Dee* Don't. Even. Think. It. Dee: *innocently* I wasn't _doing_ anything! Jeez.... *thinking* Damn.  
  
Radish-Girl: Whee! I'm being bombarded by shounen-ai! *heart eyes*  
  
HB: Soooo much shunen ai! I'm in heaven! *contented sigh* Well, almost. Now all I need are some scantily-clad women.. Where is the cast of Ranma 1/2 when you really need them?!  
  
Treize: *undaunted* WuFei, what a cute costume you've got!  
  
Wufei: Are you trying to seduce me to fall into one of your lame-ass traps, Trieze!?  
  
Treize: Lame, no. Seduce....perhaps.  
  
Wufei: *glares* Try me.  
  
Treize: *like a child on Christmas* Really?! Can I? Can I?  
  
Wufei: *raises eyebrow* Yes...  
  
The Shoujo-y One: Something tells me that I don't want to know what's going on...  
  
Treize: *kisses WuFei fiercely on the lips*  
  
Wufei: *breaks away and snickers* My turn. *brushes hand over Treize's member* *giant censor sign appears over Wufei's hand*  
  
Audience:*sounds of retching can be heard*  
  
Treize: *eyes wide* *regains semblance of composure* As cute as you look in that outfit, I think you'd look worlds cuter _out_ of it. *offers WuFei his arm* Shall we?  
  
Wufei: *nods* Justice will be served...  
  
Trowa: *having heard the sounds of retching, fires randomly into the crowd*  
  
HB:*has a spasm or three at the sound*  
  
Kotori: *in audience* *dies of gunshot wound*  
  
Kamui and Fuuma: *in audience**look from the body between them to each other*  
  
Fuuma: *winks suggestively at Kamui*  
  
Kamui: *blushes*  
  
Quatre: Trowa... That wasn't very nice.. .You have to say you're sorry... at least to me...  
  
Trowa: Of course... *pushes his hips insistently into Quatre's* Maybe we should go somewhere...private, though....?  
  
Quatre: Of course... well... I just bought a new canopy bed... Want to check it out...? *smiles happily at Trowa*  
  
Trowa: Definitely. *lifts Quatre into his arms and starts for the exit*  
  
HB:*cheers loudly*  
  
*Heero and Duo enter now both wearing the opposite outfits*  
  
Heero: *grins* Mission accomplished.  
  
Epilogue:  
  
The theater is dark. The audience has left (the living contingent, anyway), much satisfied or horrified. In the shadows, you see one lone figure standing upon the stage staring blankly at the back wall, waving floppily- covered arms.  
  
THUUUUUUUUMBS!!!" 


End file.
